The Ultimate Vacation Checklist
Everyone’s been there. It’s 2:00 am and you’re just getting started packing for your trip home for Christmas or that long-planned vacation to Machu Picchu. Suddenly, everything you’ve ever known about packing has left your mind and all you can think to bring is that 12-pack of white underpants your grandmother gave you six years ago and a gallon of tequila. So sit back and relax, because I’ve compiled a checklist to make sure you don’t forget anything important.
1. Bring an extra bag to fill with ugly postcards and souvenirs that your friends don’t want and will hate you for giving them.
2. Bring books. All your books. Clean underwear is overrated.
3. Wait, no. Don’t pack anything. The secret to traveling is to have an adventurous spirit, open to opportunities, and luggage will just weigh you down.
Bonus: Delta can’t lose your bag now.
4. Leave all identification behind. When questioned about this by TSA, border guards, and gate agents, tell them you don’t “believe in identity” and that “you’re a good person.” You have character references and they should just let you through. You’ll get through the lines way faster.
Trust me. I have character references.
5. Convert all of your savings into local currency. Use this to buy as much street food as you can possibly eat over the duration of your stay.
6. No matter where you are from, remember that the way you do things is the ONLY RIGHT WAY. Be sure to disregard all local customs. This is extra effective if you are crisply sunburnt and wearing a fanny pack.
7. Digital cameras are passé and so is posting photos to social media. People want you to show up lugging a slide projector and treat them to a three hour presentation of your time away. People will be even more delighted if you remember to bring that stack of Polaroid snaps of your thumb.
8. Tell everyone you’re going to Aruba, but then retreat to the underground bunker you spent the last decade building. Cut off all contact and prepare for the apocalypse.
Remember: vacation is a state of mind.
[DISCLAIMER: The author bears no responsibility for any lost luggage, time spent in detainment centers, lost friendships, etc., etc. Anything you say or do can and will be judged by well-adjusted members of society.]